I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said