Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
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[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.