Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
why no one uses midhusbands
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
i hate you platonically
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.