People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
The news
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?