I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.