Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
ouch
Just me and my debit card against the world
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Me too, bag. Me too….
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.