me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Good point.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.