Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
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Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
stop
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’ve been drinking.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.