[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.