This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*