Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.