I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
You Might Also Like
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
What kind of a cult is this?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail