It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’