Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.