3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
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we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Denise please return my vape pen
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
This meeting could have been a cake