Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21