Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy