Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”