“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.