Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
You Might Also Like
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My good tweets are in my other pants.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”