If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.