I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
what
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
get you a girl who
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”