My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
You Might Also Like
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Just a friendly reminder!
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.