We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?