“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep