How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Worlds greatest photobomb
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Trumpy Cat
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.