Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear