What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
You Might Also Like
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Shoo shoo! 😂