When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!