Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday