Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
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Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs