Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
this is the news I live for
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”