*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
The Joker was right
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
is it earth
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL