Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
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*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Did…did a minotaur write this
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break