A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast