Worth the read.
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
a public service announcement
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?