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16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”