me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.