I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar