A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.