*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Chicken bread
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”