Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
For those that worship cheese..
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”