[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
mmm onion ringos