Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.