Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Pretty much. 🤣
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets