Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.