I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.