Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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Sorry. Not sorry
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour