I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
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I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Cardio Made Easy
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.