Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
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Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search